Lili Von Shtupp: Is that a ten-gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show?
Lili Von Shtupp: A wed wose, how womantic.
[Recalling his gunfighting career]
Jim: I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.
Lili Von Shtupp: [singing] Here I stand, the goddess of desire / Set men on fire / I have this power. / Morning, noon, and night, it\’s dwink and dancing / Some quick womancing / And then a shower. / Stage door Johnnies constantly suwwound me / They always hound me, with one wequest. / Who can satisfy their lustful habits? / I\’m not a wabbit. / I need some we…
[Takes a breath]
Lili Von Shtupp: … est.
Lili Von Shtupp: [singing] I\’m tired of men always coming and going, going and coming and always too soon.
Bart: I better go check out this Mongo character.
[Bart reaches for his gun]
Jim: Oh no, don\’t do that.
Bart: Why not?
Jim: If you shoot him, you\’ll just make him mad.
Taggart: I got it. I got it.
Hedley Lamarr: You do?
Taggart: We\’ll work up a \"Number 6\" on \’em.
Hedley Lamarr: \"Number 6\"? I\’m afraid I\’m not familiar with that one…
Taggart: Well, that\’s where we go a-ridin\’ into town, a whampin\’ and whompin\’ every livin\’ thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folks, of course.
Hedley Lamarr: You spare the women?
Taggart: NAW. We rape the shit out of them at the Number 6 Dance later on.
Hedley Lamarr: Marvelous.
Jim: You\’ve got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know… morons.
Lili Von Shtupp: Hello, cowboy. Wha\’s your name?
Tex: Tex, Ma\’am.
Lili Von Shtupp: Texmam? Well, tell me Texmam, are you in show business?
Tex: Well, no, ma\’am.
Lilly von Schtupp: Then why don\’t you get your fwiggin\’ feet off o\’ the stage.
Lyle: Come on, boys! The way you\’re lollygaggin\’ around here with them picks and them shovels, you\’d think it was a hundert an\’ twenty degree. Can\’t be more than a hundert an\’ fourteen.
Gabby Johnson: I wash born here, an I wash raished here, and dad gum it, I am gonna die here, an no sidewindin bushwackin, hornswaglin, cracker croaker is gonna rouin me bishen cutter.
Taggart: [to Lyle] Now send a wire to the main office and tell them that I said
[Bart whacks him]
Lyle: Send wire, main office, tell them I said ow, gotcha.
[the Governor is having trouble putting his pen back into its holder]
Hedley Lamarr: Think of your secretary…
[the pen goes straight in]
Governor William J. Le Petomane: Thank you. That\’s a good one.
Hedley Lamarr: My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.
Taggart: God darnit Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.
[Bart returns unexpectedly after being sentenced to death]
Charlie: They said you was hung.
Bart: And they was right.
Hedley Lamarr: There might be legal precedent! Of course, Landsnatching… land, land, Land, see Snatch. Ah, Hailie vs. United Sates. Hailie: 7, United States: nothing. You see, it can be done!
Lili Von Shtupp: Is it true how zey say zat you people are… gifted?
[Lights go out, sound of zipper opening]
Lili Von Shtupp: Oh. It\’s twue. It\’s twue. It\’s twue, it\’s twue!
[Lili Von Schtupp offers Bart a gigantic sausage]
Lili Von Shtupp: Would you like another schnitzengruben?
Bart: No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.
Lili Von Shtupp: Well how about a little…
[whispers in his ear]
Bart: [shocked] Baby. I\’m not from Havana.
[the lynch mob comes across a toll-booth in the middle of the desert]
Taggart: Someone\’s gotta go back for a shit-load of dimes!
Hedley Lamarr: You will be risking your lives, whilst I will be risking an almost-certain Academy Award nomination for the Best Supporting Actor.
Jim: Another twenty-five years and you\’ll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight.
Taggart: I hired you people to try to get a little track laid, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots.
Hedley Lamarr: Unfortunately there is one thing standing between me and that property – the rightful owners.
Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
Applicant: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.
Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.
Applicant: I like rape.
Hedley Lamarr: My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening thru a cosmic vapor of invention.
Hedley Lamarr: \"Ditto\"? \"Ditto,\" you provincial putz?
Bart: What\’s your name?
Jim: Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me… Jim.
Taggart: I got it.
Hedley Lamarr: What?
Taggart: Let\’s kill every first born male child in Rock Ridge.
Hedley Lamarr: Nah, too Jewish.
Taggart: What do you want me to do sir?
Hedley Lamarr: I want you to round up ever vicious criminal and gun slinger in the west. Take this down.
[Taggart looks for a pen and paper while Hedley talks]
Hedley Lamarr: I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.
Taggart: [finding pen and paper] Could you repeat that, sir?
Howard Johnson: Y\’know, Nietzsche says: \"Out of chaos comes order.\"
Olson Johnson: Oh, blow it out your ass, Howard.
Reverend Johnson: Now I don\’t have to tell you good folks what\’s been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I\’m leaving.
Reverend Johnson: We will now read from Matthew, Mark, Luke…
[stick of dynamite sails in through window]
Reverend Johnson: … and DUCK.